Saturday, October 24, 2009

Joke for Teachers
A third-grade teacher gave each of her students a roll of candy Life Savers. The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Orange ..............Orange
Finally the teacher gave each of them Honey Life Savers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Life Saver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're a**-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!

Joke for the Rest of Us
The hillbilly man and his new bride are on their honeymoon. The first night the hillbilly anxiously jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready for a little romance. His new bride comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin."
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his father's house. When he gets there his father says "Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."
The son, almost out of breath from his run to the house says, "Dad, my bride told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin!"
"Damn, son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for ours!"

Monday, September 28, 2009

Funny Stories

A Fairy Tale
Once upon a time there lived a king who had a beautiful daughter – the Princess.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what! - metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.”
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt could marry her and inherit the wealthy kingdom
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, the sword melted.
The prince went away sadly.The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world so they will not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, the diamonds melted.
He, too, was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.” The princess did as he asked although she blushed and her face turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!
The king was overjoyed. Everyone in the kingdom was overjoyed. So the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince’s pants?
Why, M&Ms of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking?

A Blonde Story
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already '"the startled husband asked.
Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!"

Friday, September 11, 2009

Three Favorite Jokes

Fred and Mabel were both patients in a mental hospital. One day as they both walked beside the swimming pool, Mabel jumped into the deep end and sank to the bottom. Without a thought for his own safety, Fred jumped in after her, brought her to the surface, hauled her out, gave her CPR and saved her.

The next day happened to be Fred's annual review. He was brought before the hospital board, where the director told him, " Fred, I have some good news and some bad news: the good news is that in light of your heroic act yesterday we consider that you are sane and can be released from this institution back into society. The bad news is, I'm afraid, that Mabel, the patient you saved, shortly afterwards hung herself in the bathroom with the belt from her bathrobe. I'm sorry but she's dead."
"She didn't hang herself," Fred replied, "I put her there to dry!"

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decides to probe her soon-to-be husband a little.

"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?"
"It's OK," he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."
"Well, then," she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?"
"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself."
The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her new boyfriend, "And how's your sex life...."
"Infrequently," he declares.
The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking... "And is that one word or two?"

Meanings of Movie Ratings:

G:  Nobody gets the girl.
PG:  The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R:  The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X:  Everybody Gets The Girl.
XXX:  Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Medical and Legal Daffynitions

Funny medical definitions:
Benign – what you be after you be eight.
Artery – the study of paintings.
Bacteria – back door to the cafeteria.
Barium – what doctors do when patients die.
Caesarean section – a neighborhood in Rome.
Cauterize – caught her eye.
Colic – a dog like Lassie.
Coma – a punctuation mark.
D&C – Where Washington is.
Dilate – living a long time.
Enema – not a friend.
Fester – quicker than someone else.
Fibula – a small lie.
Genital – non-Jewish person.
Hangnail – what you hang your coat on.
Impotent - distinguished and well known.
Labor pain – getting hurt at work.
Medical staff – a doctor’s cane.
Morbid – an offer higher than the one I bid.
Nitrates – cheaper than day rates.
Node – I knew it.
Outpatient – a patient who has fainted.
Pap smear – a fatherhood test.
Post operative – the mailman.
Rectum – darn near killed him.
Secretion – hiding something.
Tablet – a small table.
Tumor – more than one.
Urine – opposite of you’re out.
Varicose – nearby.

Funny Legal Definitions:
Affidavit –Davit is first in line. You’re second.
Assault – usually paired with a pepper
Bribe – married to a Groom
Caveat emptor – time to fill up the caveat
Contempt – offering candy to a prison inmate
Contract – acreage owned by a prisoner
Defamation – advice from someone who is hearing impaired
Ex parte – My former husband is a party animal.
Hung jury – Those guys are studs!
Malpractice – what Mal, the doctor, does
Miranda warning – Stay off your porch!
Misdemeanor – daughter of Mr. Demeanor
Mistrial – when you oversleep and are late to court
Oath – what we feed the horsey
Order in the Court – See what the judge will have.
Paralegals – two attorneys
Parole – the way your dad should act
Plaintiff – not a fancy fight
Probate – stuff that really catches fish
Pro bono – when you prefer Sonny over Cher
Rescind – what you do when your first email doesn’t go through
Retainer – Hire her now!
Statutes - created by artists
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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Great Punchlines

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him, "Give him your underwear!”

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. “Is this your husband?” he asks nervously.
“No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend, then?” he continues.
“No, not at all,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.
“Is it your dad or your brother?” he inquires hoping to be reassured.
“No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous,” she answers.
“Well, who is the hell is he then?” he demands.
“That’s me before the surgery!”

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Tale of Two Spoons

All the waiters in the fancy restaurant we visited carried two spoons in their vest pocket. We were curious and asked a waiter why.
He said, “An efficiency study determined that a spoon was the most frequently dropped silverware. So all the waiters carry two spoons to instantly replace that item.”
We couldn’t help but notice that a short length of string was hanging out of the fly of his pants. So we asked about that.
He said, “That’s another result of the efficiency study. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim, so we don’t have to stop to wash our hands.”
We said, “It’s clear how you get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in your pants?”
“Well,” said the waiter. “I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons.”

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Busy Bull

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, This bull mated 50 times last year. The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, “See, he mated 50 times last year --- almost once a week.”
They walked by the second pen which had a sign attached that said, This bull mated 120 times last year. The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, “That’s more than twice a week. You could learn a lot from him.”
They walked up to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, This bull mated 365 times last year. The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s ribs, said, “That’s one a day --- you could really learn something from this one.”
The husband looked at her and said, “Go over and ask the bull if it was with the same cow.”
Note: The husband’s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more operations, he should be OK.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Hunting Joke and Vow of Silence Joke

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There’s a silence, then a shot.
Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s the first chance for a new monk to speak. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."
Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit."
"I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve done nothing but complain ever since you got here."

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Visit to the Doctor

I recently selected a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, playing golf, sailing, hiking, bicycling?"
“No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"

Monday, June 1, 2009

4 Retorts to Use at Work with Cretin Coworkers

Stuck for a retort when engaged by a cretin coworker? Try one of these:
1 - "Thank you. I’m re-energized and challenged by your unique point of view."
2 - "What makes you think I work here? I’m a consultant!”
3 - “I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.”
4 - "Some day we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.”
"Humor is just another defense against the universe." - Mel Brooks

Sunday, May 31, 2009


* I was so poor growing up . . . If I wasn't a boy . . . I'd have had nothing to play with.
* A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
* During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
* One day I cam home early from work . . . I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey,buddy why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
* It's been a rough day. I got up this morning . . . put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
* I was such an ugly kid . . . when I played in the sand box, the cat kept covering me up.
* I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
* I was such an ugly baby, my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
* I'm so ugly . . . my father carries around a photo of the kid who came with his wallet.
* When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
*I'm so ugly . . . my mother had morning sickness . . . AFTER I was born.
* Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide."
* My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
* I'm so ugly . . . I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
* I went to see my doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
* Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times. Three of those times, I was reading it.
* One year they wanted to make me poster boy . . . for birth control.
* My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and left leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
Are you groaning yet? No? OK, Here are some more outrageous puns:

"We shot two bucks (in Africa) but that was all the money we had." – Groucho Marx
"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt." - Mark Twain
Give some managers an inch and they think they are rulers.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
You missed the flea circus. A dog came in and stole the show.
The coffee in my office tastes like break fluid.

Want more humor on a daily basis? Follow my tweets on

A husband with a poor command of English struggled to explain that his wife could not have children, saying, “She is unbearable.” Getting a blank stare, he tried, “She is impregnable.” Finally, he figured it out and stated, “She is inconceivable.”

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


. . . when you don't think of it first.

Definition of puns by Dave Barry: puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead.
Here is your ration of five puns for today:
My grandson swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital. When I asked the doctor how he was, he said, 'No change yet.'
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Skipping school to go bungee jumping will get you suspended.
A cross-eyed teacher will find it difficult to control his pupils.
She bent over to pick up a sieve and strained herself.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

World's Worst Pun

Is this the world’s worst pun? Tell me what you think.

A famous scientist had an aging, toothless lion as a pet that used to lie across the outside doorstep to his lab sunning itself. The scientist was working on a formula to keep dolphins alive forever. He discovered that sea gulls fed to the dolphins could be the answer. One day as he was stepping over the lion to enter his lab with some seagulls, the FBI arrested him. What was the charge?
Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

A female gorilla in the local zoo was becoming increasingly belligerent.

The vet realized the gorilla was in heat and needed a mate. He called other zoos to find her a partner but none were available. The vet noticed that the gorilla grew calmer whenever a tall, hairy, muscular, but not-very-handsome keeper entered her area. Being an adventurous fellow, the vet made an outrageous proposition to the keeper. For a fee of $500, would the keeper consider spending a little “quality time” with the gorilla purely in the interests of research, of course?
The keeper, also an adventurous fellow, thought about the suggestion, and after a few minutes agreed subject to three conditions.
"First," the keeper said, "Absolutely no kissing."
"Fine," said the vet.
"Second, no one must ever know - if this gets out I'll kill you."
"You have my word," said the vet, "And your final condition?"
"It's just," said the keeper a little awkwardly, "Can I have a couple of weeks to raise the $500?”

Comment: Did you know that laughter causes the pituitary gland to release pain-suppressing opiates. A number of studies have found increased pain tolerance in those who supplement medical treatment with humor.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Memorize the punchlines and you can be the life of the party!

. . . It also helps if you remember the beginning and the middle of the joke, pun or story.

Do you believe that laughter is good for your health?

That he who laughs, lasts?

That a smile should be your umbrella?

Well, two out of three is cool. After 34+ years in the workforce as a psychologist, executive coach, marketing VP, entrepreneur, and consultant, I now spend most of my time making ‘motivational’ presentations, traveling, writing and blogging. I’ve accumulated quite a collection of outrageous jokes, puns and stories and welcome your comments. Really, I do. So feel free. If you have an erudite comment, a fantastic joke, an outlandish pun or a hilarious story, please share.

The Singing Bird

Once upon a time, a farmer was walking down a deserted country road in Russia in the middle of winter. The weather was freezing cold and snow was beginning to fall, and the man was shivering violently. As he was hurrying home, he happened to spy a little bird lying in the middle of the road, seemingly frozen solid. The man’s heart went out to it. “We are birds of a feather,” he thought, as he picked the bird up and gently put it in his pocket in the hope that his own body heat would revive it. Half an hour later, the man felt a flutter in his pocket and was very happy that the bird was still alive. But he knew that what the bird needed most was real heat, something the man just could not provide.

Right at that moment, a cow in a nearby pasture voided itself of a big steaming load. Realizing that this could provide the warmth the bird so desperately needed, the man walked over and stuck the lucky little bird into the steaming pile. He walked away, happy that he had saved its life.

Sure enough, very soon the bird was completely revived. Happy to be alive, it started whistling notes of pure joy. A very hungry fox happened to be nearby, hard the bird singing, followed the chirping to its source, and quickly ate the bird.

This typical Russian fable has three morals: One - it’s not only your enemies that get you into it. Two - it’s not always your friends who get you out of it. Three - if you’re in it up to your neck, for God’s sake, don’t sing!

A very exotic restaurant serving wealthy clientele was named, “Eddie and the Dragon.”
A beggar came to the back door one day and said to the woman who appeared to be in charge, “I haven’t eaten in days. Could you spare some food?”
“Get out of here,” yelled the woman, “We don’t feed beggars.”
The man left but returned a few minutes later.

“What now?” the irritated woman asked.
The beggar looked up at the name of the restaurant on the sign over the door and said, “Would it be possible to speak to Eddie this time?”