Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Busy Bull

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, This bull mated 50 times last year. The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, “See, he mated 50 times last year --- almost once a week.”
They walked by the second pen which had a sign attached that said, This bull mated 120 times last year. The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, “That’s more than twice a week. You could learn a lot from him.”
They walked up to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, This bull mated 365 times last year. The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s ribs, said, “That’s one a day --- you could really learn something from this one.”
The husband looked at her and said, “Go over and ask the bull if it was with the same cow.”
Note: The husband’s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more operations, he should be OK.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Hunting Joke and Vow of Silence Joke

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There’s a silence, then a shot.
Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s the first chance for a new monk to speak. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."
Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit."
"I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve done nothing but complain ever since you got here."

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Visit to the Doctor

I recently selected a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, playing golf, sailing, hiking, bicycling?"
“No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"

Monday, June 1, 2009

4 Retorts to Use at Work with Cretin Coworkers

Stuck for a retort when engaged by a cretin coworker? Try one of these:
1 - "Thank you. I’m re-energized and challenged by your unique point of view."
2 - "What makes you think I work here? I’m a consultant!”
3 - “I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.”
4 - "Some day we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.”
"Humor is just another defense against the universe." - Mel Brooks