Sunday, May 31, 2009


* I was so poor growing up . . . If I wasn't a boy . . . I'd have had nothing to play with.
* A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
* During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
* One day I cam home early from work . . . I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey,buddy why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
* It's been a rough day. I got up this morning . . . put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
* I was such an ugly kid . . . when I played in the sand box, the cat kept covering me up.
* I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
* I was such an ugly baby, my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
* I'm so ugly . . . my father carries around a photo of the kid who came with his wallet.
* When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
*I'm so ugly . . . my mother had morning sickness . . . AFTER I was born.
* Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide."
* My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
* I'm so ugly . . . I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
* I went to see my doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
* Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times. Three of those times, I was reading it.
* One year they wanted to make me poster boy . . . for birth control.
* My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and left leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
Are you groaning yet? No? OK, Here are some more outrageous puns:

"We shot two bucks (in Africa) but that was all the money we had." – Groucho Marx
"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt." - Mark Twain
Give some managers an inch and they think they are rulers.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
You missed the flea circus. A dog came in and stole the show.
The coffee in my office tastes like break fluid.

Want more humor on a daily basis? Follow my tweets on

A husband with a poor command of English struggled to explain that his wife could not have children, saying, “She is unbearable.” Getting a blank stare, he tried, “She is impregnable.” Finally, he figured it out and stated, “She is inconceivable.”

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


. . . when you don't think of it first.

Definition of puns by Dave Barry: puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead.
Here is your ration of five puns for today:
My grandson swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital. When I asked the doctor how he was, he said, 'No change yet.'
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Skipping school to go bungee jumping will get you suspended.
A cross-eyed teacher will find it difficult to control his pupils.
She bent over to pick up a sieve and strained herself.