FUNNIEST RODNEY DANGERFIELD ONE-LINERS

* I was so poor growing up . . . If I wasn't a boy . . . I'd have had nothing to play with.
* A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
* During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
* One day I cam home early from work . . . I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey,buddy why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
* It's been a rough day. I got up this morning . . . put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
* I was such an ugly kid . . . when I played in the sand box, the cat kept covering me up.
* I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
* I was such an ugly baby, my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
* I'm so ugly . . . my father carries around a photo of the kid who came with his wallet.
* When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
*I'm so ugly . . . my mother had morning sickness . . . AFTER I was born.
* Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide."
* My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
* I'm so ugly . . . I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
* I went to see my doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
* Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times. Three of those times, I was reading it.
* One year they wanted to make me poster boy . . . for birth control.
* My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was in the electric chair.