Monday, September 28, 2009

Funny Stories

A Fairy Tale
Once upon a time there lived a king who had a beautiful daughter – the Princess.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what! - metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.”
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt could marry her and inherit the wealthy kingdom
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, the sword melted.
The prince went away sadly.The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world so they will not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, the diamonds melted.
He, too, was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.” The princess did as he asked although she blushed and her face turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!
The king was overjoyed. Everyone in the kingdom was overjoyed. So the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince’s pants?
Why, M&Ms of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking?

A Blonde Story
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already '"the startled husband asked.
Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!"

Friday, September 11, 2009

Three Favorite Jokes

Fred and Mabel were both patients in a mental hospital. One day as they both walked beside the swimming pool, Mabel jumped into the deep end and sank to the bottom. Without a thought for his own safety, Fred jumped in after her, brought her to the surface, hauled her out, gave her CPR and saved her.

The next day happened to be Fred's annual review. He was brought before the hospital board, where the director told him, " Fred, I have some good news and some bad news: the good news is that in light of your heroic act yesterday we consider that you are sane and can be released from this institution back into society. The bad news is, I'm afraid, that Mabel, the patient you saved, shortly afterwards hung herself in the bathroom with the belt from her bathrobe. I'm sorry but she's dead."
"She didn't hang herself," Fred replied, "I put her there to dry!"

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decides to probe her soon-to-be husband a little.

"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?"
"It's OK," he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."
"Well, then," she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?"
"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself."
The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her new boyfriend, "And how's your sex life...."
"Infrequently," he declares.
The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking... "And is that one word or two?"

Meanings of Movie Ratings:

G:  Nobody gets the girl.
PG:  The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R:  The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X:  Everybody Gets The Girl.
XXX:  Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Medical and Legal Daffynitions

Funny medical definitions:
Benign – what you be after you be eight.
Artery – the study of paintings.
Bacteria – back door to the cafeteria.
Barium – what doctors do when patients die.
Caesarean section – a neighborhood in Rome.
Cauterize – caught her eye.
Colic – a dog like Lassie.
Coma – a punctuation mark.
D&C – Where Washington is.
Dilate – living a long time.
Enema – not a friend.
Fester – quicker than someone else.
Fibula – a small lie.
Genital – non-Jewish person.
Hangnail – what you hang your coat on.
Impotent - distinguished and well known.
Labor pain – getting hurt at work.
Medical staff – a doctor’s cane.
Morbid – an offer higher than the one I bid.
Nitrates – cheaper than day rates.
Node – I knew it.
Outpatient – a patient who has fainted.
Pap smear – a fatherhood test.
Post operative – the mailman.
Rectum – darn near killed him.
Secretion – hiding something.
Tablet – a small table.
Tumor – more than one.
Urine – opposite of you’re out.
Varicose – nearby.

Funny Legal Definitions:
Affidavit –Davit is first in line. You’re second.
Assault – usually paired with a pepper
Bribe – married to a Groom
Caveat emptor – time to fill up the caveat
Contempt – offering candy to a prison inmate
Contract – acreage owned by a prisoner
Defamation – advice from someone who is hearing impaired
Ex parte – My former husband is a party animal.
Hung jury – Those guys are studs!
Malpractice – what Mal, the doctor, does
Miranda warning – Stay off your porch!
Misdemeanor – daughter of Mr. Demeanor
Mistrial – when you oversleep and are late to court
Oath – what we feed the horsey
Order in the Court – See what the judge will have.
Paralegals – two attorneys
Parole – the way your dad should act
Plaintiff – not a fancy fight
Probate – stuff that really catches fish
Pro bono – when you prefer Sonny over Cher
Rescind – what you do when your first email doesn’t go through
Retainer – Hire her now!
Statutes - created by artists
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