Tale of Two Spoons

All the waiters in the fancy restaurant we visited carried two spoons in their vest pocket. We were curious and asked a waiter why.
He said, “An efficiency study determined that a spoon was the most frequently dropped silverware. So all the waiters carry two spoons to instantly replace that item.”
We couldn’t help but notice that a short length of string was hanging out of the fly of his pants. So we asked about that.
He said, “That’s another result of the efficiency study. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim, so we don’t have to stop to wash our hands.”
We said, “It’s clear how you get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in your pants?”
“Well,” said the waiter. “I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons.”

The Busy Bull

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, This bull mated 50 times last year. The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, “See, he mated 50 times last year --- almost once a week.”
They walked by the second pen which had a sign attached that said, This bull mated 120 times last year. The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, “That’s more than twice a week. You could learn a lot from him.”
They walked up to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, This bull mated 365 times last year. The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s ribs, said, “That’s one a day --- you could really learn something from this one.”
The husband looked at her and said, “Go over and ask the bull if it was with the same cow.”
Note: The husband’s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more operations, he should be OK.

Hunting Joke and Vow of Silence Joke

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There’s a silence, then a shot.
Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s the first chance for a new monk to speak. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."
Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit."
"I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve done nothing but complain ever since you got here."

Visit to the Doctor

I recently selected a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, playing golf, sailing, hiking, bicycling?"
“No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"

4 Retorts to Use at Work with Cretin Coworkers

Stuck for a retort when engaged by a cretin coworker? Try one of these:
1 - "Thank you. I’m re-energized and challenged by your unique point of view."
2 - "What makes you think I work here? I’m a consultant!”
3 - “I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.”
4 - "Some day we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.”
"Humor is just another defense against the universe." - Mel Brooks

FUNNIEST RODNEY DANGERFIELD ONE-LINERS

* I was so poor growing up . . . If I wasn't a boy . . . I'd have had nothing to play with.
* A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
* During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
* One day I cam home early from work . . . I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey,buddy why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
* It's been a rough day. I got up this morning . . . put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
* I was such an ugly kid . . . when I played in the sand box, the cat kept covering me up.
* I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
* I was such an ugly baby, my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
* I'm so ugly . . . my father carries around a photo of the kid who came with his wallet.
* When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
*I'm so ugly . . . my mother had morning sickness . . . AFTER I was born.
* Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide."
* My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
* I'm so ugly . . . I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
* I went to see my doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
* Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times. Three of those times, I was reading it.
* One year they wanted to make me poster boy . . . for birth control.
* My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was in the electric chair.

MORE WORST PUNS

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and left leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
Are you groaning yet? No? OK, Here are some more outrageous puns:

"We shot two bucks (in Africa) but that was all the money we had." – Groucho Marx
"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt." - Mark Twain
Give some managers an inch and they think they are rulers.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
You missed the flea circus. A dog came in and stole the show.
The coffee in my office tastes like break fluid.

Want more humor on a daily basis? Follow my tweets on Twitter.com/outrageousjoker.

A husband with a poor command of English struggled to explain that his wife could not have children, saying, “She is unbearable.” Getting a blank stare, he tried, “She is impregnable.” Finally, he figured it out and stated, “She is inconceivable.”