FUNNIEST RODNEY DANGERFIELD ONE-LINERS

* I was so poor growing up . . . If I wasn't a boy . . . I'd have had nothing to play with.
* A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
* During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
* One day I cam home early from work . . . I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey,buddy why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
* It's been a rough day. I got up this morning . . . put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
* I was such an ugly kid . . . when I played in the sand box, the cat kept covering me up.
* I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
* I was such an ugly baby, my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
* I'm so ugly . . . my father carries around a photo of the kid who came with his wallet.
* When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
*I'm so ugly . . . my mother had morning sickness . . . AFTER I was born.
* Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide."
* My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
* I'm so ugly . . . I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
* I went to see my doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
* Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times. Three of those times, I was reading it.
* One year they wanted to make me poster boy . . . for birth control.
* My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was in the electric chair.

MORE WORST PUNS

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and left leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
Are you groaning yet? No? OK, Here are some more outrageous puns:

"We shot two bucks (in Africa) but that was all the money we had." – Groucho Marx
"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt." - Mark Twain
Give some managers an inch and they think they are rulers.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
You missed the flea circus. A dog came in and stole the show.
The coffee in my office tastes like break fluid.

Want more humor on a daily basis? Follow my tweets on Twitter.com/outrageousjoker.

A husband with a poor command of English struggled to explain that his wife could not have children, saying, “She is unbearable.” Getting a blank stare, he tried, “She is impregnable.” Finally, he figured it out and stated, “She is inconceivable.”

A PUN IS THE LOWEST FORM OF HUMOR . . .

. . . when you don't think of it first.

Definition of puns by Dave Barry: puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead.
Here is your ration of five puns for today:
My grandson swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital. When I asked the doctor how he was, he said, 'No change yet.'
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Skipping school to go bungee jumping will get you suspended.
A cross-eyed teacher will find it difficult to control his pupils.
She bent over to pick up a sieve and strained herself.

World's Worst Pun

Is this the world’s worst pun? Tell me what you think.

A famous scientist had an aging, toothless lion as a pet that used to lie across the outside doorstep to his lab sunning itself. The scientist was working on a formula to keep dolphins alive forever. He discovered that sea gulls fed to the dolphins could be the answer. One day as he was stepping over the lion to enter his lab with some seagulls, the FBI arrested him. What was the charge?
Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

A female gorilla in the local zoo was becoming increasingly belligerent.

The vet realized the gorilla was in heat and needed a mate. He called other zoos to find her a partner but none were available. The vet noticed that the gorilla grew calmer whenever a tall, hairy, muscular, but not-very-handsome keeper entered her area. Being an adventurous fellow, the vet made an outrageous proposition to the keeper. For a fee of $500, would the keeper consider spending a little “quality time” with the gorilla purely in the interests of research, of course?
The keeper, also an adventurous fellow, thought about the suggestion, and after a few minutes agreed subject to three conditions.
"First," the keeper said, "Absolutely no kissing."
"Fine," said the vet.
"Second, no one must ever know - if this gets out I'll kill you."
"You have my word," said the vet, "And your final condition?"
"It's just," said the keeper a little awkwardly, "Can I have a couple of weeks to raise the $500?”

Comment: Did you know that laughter causes the pituitary gland to release pain-suppressing opiates. A number of studies have found increased pain tolerance in those who supplement medical treatment with humor.

Memorize the punchlines and you can be the life of the party!

. . . It also helps if you remember the beginning and the middle of the joke, pun or story.

Do you believe that laughter is good for your health?

That he who laughs, lasts?

That a smile should be your umbrella?

Well, two out of three is cool. After 34+ years in the workforce as a psychologist, executive coach, marketing VP, entrepreneur, and consultant, I now spend most of my time making ‘motivational’ presentations, traveling, writing and blogging. I’ve accumulated quite a collection of outrageous jokes, puns and stories and welcome your comments. Really, I do. So feel free. If you have an erudite comment, a fantastic joke, an outlandish pun or a hilarious story, please share.

The Singing Bird

Once upon a time, a farmer was walking down a deserted country road in Russia in the middle of winter. The weather was freezing cold and snow was beginning to fall, and the man was shivering violently. As he was hurrying home, he happened to spy a little bird lying in the middle of the road, seemingly frozen solid. The man’s heart went out to it. “We are birds of a feather,” he thought, as he picked the bird up and gently put it in his pocket in the hope that his own body heat would revive it. Half an hour later, the man felt a flutter in his pocket and was very happy that the bird was still alive. But he knew that what the bird needed most was real heat, something the man just could not provide.

Right at that moment, a cow in a nearby pasture voided itself of a big steaming load. Realizing that this could provide the warmth the bird so desperately needed, the man walked over and stuck the lucky little bird into the steaming pile. He walked away, happy that he had saved its life.

Sure enough, very soon the bird was completely revived. Happy to be alive, it started whistling notes of pure joy. A very hungry fox happened to be nearby, hard the bird singing, followed the chirping to its source, and quickly ate the bird.

This typical Russian fable has three morals: One - it’s not only your enemies that get you into it. Two - it’s not always your friends who get you out of it. Three - if you’re in it up to your neck, for God’s sake, don’t sing!

A very exotic restaurant serving wealthy clientele was named, “Eddie and the Dragon.”
A beggar came to the back door one day and said to the woman who appeared to be in charge, “I haven’t eaten in days. Could you spare some food?”
“Get out of here,” yelled the woman, “We don’t feed beggars.”
The man left but returned a few minutes later.

“What now?” the irritated woman asked.
The beggar looked up at the name of the restaurant on the sign over the door and said, “Would it be possible to speak to Eddie this time?”