Medical and Legal Daffynitions

Funny medical definitions:
Benign – what you be after you be eight.
Artery – the study of paintings.
Bacteria – back door to the cafeteria.
Barium – what doctors do when patients die.
Caesarean section – a neighborhood in Rome.
Cauterize – caught her eye.
Colic – a dog like Lassie.
Coma – a punctuation mark.
D&C – Where Washington is.
Dilate – living a long time.
Enema – not a friend.
Fester – quicker than someone else.
Fibula – a small lie.
Genital – non-Jewish person.
Hangnail – what you hang your coat on.
Impotent - distinguished and well known.
Labor pain – getting hurt at work.
Medical staff – a doctor’s cane.
Morbid – an offer higher than the one I bid.
Nitrates – cheaper than day rates.
Node – I knew it.
Outpatient – a patient who has fainted.
Pap smear – a fatherhood test.
Post operative – the mailman.
Rectum – darn near killed him.
Secretion – hiding something.
Tablet – a small table.
Tumor – more than one.
Urine – opposite of you’re out.
Varicose – nearby.

Funny Legal Definitions:
Affidavit –Davit is first in line. You’re second.
Assault – usually paired with a pepper
Bribe – married to a Groom
Caveat emptor – time to fill up the caveat
Contempt – offering candy to a prison inmate
Contract – acreage owned by a prisoner
Defamation – advice from someone who is hearing impaired
Ex parte – My former husband is a party animal.
Hung jury – Those guys are studs!
Malpractice – what Mal, the doctor, does
Miranda warning – Stay off your porch!
Misdemeanor – daughter of Mr. Demeanor
Mistrial – when you oversleep and are late to court
Oath – what we feed the horsey
Order in the Court – See what the judge will have.
Paralegals – two attorneys
Parole – the way your dad should act
Plaintiff – not a fancy fight
Probate – stuff that really catches fish
Pro bono – when you prefer Sonny over Cher
Rescind – what you do when your first email doesn’t go through
Retainer – Hire her now!
Statutes - created by artists
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Great Punchlines

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him, "Give him your underwear!”

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. “Is this your husband?” he asks nervously.
“No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend, then?” he continues.
“No, not at all,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.
“Is it your dad or your brother?” he inquires hoping to be reassured.
“No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous,” she answers.
“Well, who is the hell is he then?” he demands.
“That’s me before the surgery!”

Tale of Two Spoons

All the waiters in the fancy restaurant we visited carried two spoons in their vest pocket. We were curious and asked a waiter why.
He said, “An efficiency study determined that a spoon was the most frequently dropped silverware. So all the waiters carry two spoons to instantly replace that item.”
We couldn’t help but notice that a short length of string was hanging out of the fly of his pants. So we asked about that.
He said, “That’s another result of the efficiency study. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim, so we don’t have to stop to wash our hands.”
We said, “It’s clear how you get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in your pants?”
“Well,” said the waiter. “I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons.”

The Busy Bull

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, This bull mated 50 times last year. The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, “See, he mated 50 times last year --- almost once a week.”
They walked by the second pen which had a sign attached that said, This bull mated 120 times last year. The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, “That’s more than twice a week. You could learn a lot from him.”
They walked up to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, This bull mated 365 times last year. The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s ribs, said, “That’s one a day --- you could really learn something from this one.”
The husband looked at her and said, “Go over and ask the bull if it was with the same cow.”
Note: The husband’s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more operations, he should be OK.

Hunting Joke and Vow of Silence Joke

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There’s a silence, then a shot.
Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s the first chance for a new monk to speak. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."
Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit."
"I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve done nothing but complain ever since you got here."

Visit to the Doctor

I recently selected a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, playing golf, sailing, hiking, bicycling?"
“No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"

4 Retorts to Use at Work with Cretin Coworkers

Stuck for a retort when engaged by a cretin coworker? Try one of these:
1 - "Thank you. I’m re-energized and challenged by your unique point of view."
2 - "What makes you think I work here? I’m a consultant!”
3 - “I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.”
4 - "Some day we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.”
"Humor is just another defense against the universe." - Mel Brooks