Three Favorite Jokes

Fred and Mabel were both patients in a mental hospital. One day as they both walked beside the swimming pool, Mabel jumped into the deep end and sank to the bottom. Without a thought for his own safety, Fred jumped in after her, brought her to the surface, hauled her out, gave her CPR and saved her.

The next day happened to be Fred's annual review. He was brought before the hospital board, where the director told him, " Fred, I have some good news and some bad news: the good news is that in light of your heroic act yesterday we consider that you are sane and can be released from this institution back into society. The bad news is, I'm afraid, that Mabel, the patient you saved, shortly afterwards hung herself in the bathroom with the belt from her bathrobe. I'm sorry but she's dead."
"She didn't hang herself," Fred replied, "I put her there to dry!"

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decides to probe her soon-to-be husband a little.

"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?"
"It's OK," he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."
"Well, then," she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?"
"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself."
The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her new boyfriend, "And how's your sex life...."
"Infrequently," he declares.
The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking... "And is that one word or two?"

Meanings of Movie Ratings:

G:  Nobody gets the girl.
PG:  The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R:  The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X:  Everybody Gets The Girl.
XXX:  Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.

Memorize the punchlines and you can be the life of the party!

. . . It also helps if you remember the beginning and the middle of the joke, pun or story.

Do you believe that laughter is good for your health?

That he who laughs, lasts?

That a smile should be your umbrella?

Well, two out of three is cool. After 34+ years in the workforce as a psychologist, executive coach, marketing VP, entrepreneur, and consultant, I now spend most of my time making ‘motivational’ presentations, traveling, writing and blogging. I’ve accumulated quite a collection of outrageous jokes, puns and stories and welcome your comments. Really, I do. So feel free. If you have an erudite comment, a fantastic joke, an outlandish pun or a hilarious story, please share.

The Singing Bird

Once upon a time, a farmer was walking down a deserted country road in Russia in the middle of winter. The weather was freezing cold and snow was beginning to fall, and the man was shivering violently. As he was hurrying home, he happened to spy a little bird lying in the middle of the road, seemingly frozen solid. The man’s heart went out to it. “We are birds of a feather,” he thought, as he picked the bird up and gently put it in his pocket in the hope that his own body heat would revive it. Half an hour later, the man felt a flutter in his pocket and was very happy that the bird was still alive. But he knew that what the bird needed most was real heat, something the man just could not provide.

Right at that moment, a cow in a nearby pasture voided itself of a big steaming load. Realizing that this could provide the warmth the bird so desperately needed, the man walked over and stuck the lucky little bird into the steaming pile. He walked away, happy that he had saved its life.

Sure enough, very soon the bird was completely revived. Happy to be alive, it started whistling notes of pure joy. A very hungry fox happened to be nearby, hard the bird singing, followed the chirping to its source, and quickly ate the bird.

This typical Russian fable has three morals: One - it’s not only your enemies that get you into it. Two - it’s not always your friends who get you out of it. Three - if you’re in it up to your neck, for God’s sake, don’t sing!

A very exotic restaurant serving wealthy clientele was named, “Eddie and the Dragon.”
A beggar came to the back door one day and said to the woman who appeared to be in charge, “I haven’t eaten in days. Could you spare some food?”
“Get out of here,” yelled the woman, “We don’t feed beggars.”
The man left but returned a few minutes later.

“What now?” the irritated woman asked.
The beggar looked up at the name of the restaurant on the sign over the door and said, “Would it be possible to speak to Eddie this time?”