Three Favorite Jokes

Fred and Mabel were both patients in a mental hospital. One day as they both walked beside the swimming pool, Mabel jumped into the deep end and sank to the bottom. Without a thought for his own safety, Fred jumped in after her, brought her to the surface, hauled her out, gave her CPR and saved her.

The next day happened to be Fred's annual review. He was brought before the hospital board, where the director told him, " Fred, I have some good news and some bad news: the good news is that in light of your heroic act yesterday we consider that you are sane and can be released from this institution back into society. The bad news is, I'm afraid, that Mabel, the patient you saved, shortly afterwards hung herself in the bathroom with the belt from her bathrobe. I'm sorry but she's dead."
"She didn't hang herself," Fred replied, "I put her there to dry!"

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decides to probe her soon-to-be husband a little.

"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?"
"It's OK," he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."
"Well, then," she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?"
"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself."
The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her new boyfriend, "And how's your sex life...."
"Infrequently," he declares.
The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking... "And is that one word or two?"

Meanings of Movie Ratings:

G:  Nobody gets the girl.
PG:  The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R:  The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X:  Everybody Gets The Girl.
XXX:  Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.